I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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