I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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