I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
