What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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