She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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