You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize