How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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