Pants 0. Shit 1.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
