You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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