There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
