remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
