Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
