god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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