Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
