i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
