My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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