girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
