My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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