I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I want her autograph on my taint
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
