So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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