fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
