Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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