put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he puts the penis in happiness.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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