glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
