you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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