ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
