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i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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