There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
