I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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