that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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