I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't notice because vodka
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
