before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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