I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dick has a subreddit
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
