today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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