Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
