Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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