I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
