i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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