Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
