i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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