Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
