I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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