I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize