I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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