The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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