Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize