Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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