a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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