you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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