Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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