I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
