Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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