Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
