im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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