I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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