so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
