textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
