apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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