remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize