It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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