how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
