Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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