Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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