i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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